The balancing act

So, I bring you…

THE BALANCING ACT

For me, an overarching theme in 2020 has been ‘the balancing act’. I say this in the context of my health, and, in some sense, how much I choose to share online. 

It’s safe to say that I have rationed how many blog posts I’ve published this year, in contrast to previous ones. 

I used to feel incredibly guilty for breaking my commitment to the once consistent Sunday evening posts. But, I think I’ve been able to distance myself from that feeling this year, and recognise when, and what, feels right for me to share. 

I’ve been blogging for over five and a half years now (wow!) and there hasn’t been much I haven’t shared in terms of my vision impairment. But I’ve always slammed on the breaks when it comes to divulging details about being chronically ill. 

More than ever, blogging, this year, has felt like a balancing act between sharing my usual honest content, and wondering where to draw the line in terms of how deep I want to delve into the details.

The posts I’ve curated this year have been some I feel most proud of. I think that comes as a result of recognising the importance of only writing when I feel up to it, in terms of inspiration, urge, and how much energy I have to make it happen. 

The latter is one of the main reasons as to why I’ve taken a little step back during 2020; I’ve found myself in the clutches of the symptoms that come as part of the package of being chronically ill, and it’s had a knock-on affect on how many plates I can spin at one time. 

It’s a well established fact that I am a workaholic, a trait that doesn’t compliment my chronically fatigued self very well. Over the years, I’ve had to learn to accept the fact that I have to pace myself in order to avoid over-exertion. Ever since I was diagnosed with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME), the art of pacing and striking the right balance is something I’ve found difficult to shape into reality, 

As I stepped into the world of part-time work again back in May – which, can I just say, is one of the highlights of this year for me – I’ve found myself tripping at more hurdles. I’ll hold my hands up and say that I have pushed myself too far, too many times. And it’s made that balancing act even harder to maintain. 

I’ve so often found that the excitement or motivation to tick something off the to-do list has quickly morphed into post-malaise, because I took it one step too far. 

I’ve often found myself meandering to the room I’ve claimed as my office, on legs that feel like unsteady bowling pins, in an attempt to achieve separation from work and relaxation (and a slightly more professional Zoom background).

But, some days, this has simply been impossible, and I’ve committed to doing my work in small stages from my bed. 

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All of this has led me to examine what’s important in the fog of my symptoms, and what actions are crucial for me to take as I seek the right balance between everything. 

Somewhere in-between these moments, when the fog has been lifted slightly, I’ve realised that the whole equilibrium of my mind and body was off. And sometimes this leads to some lamenting low points. 

For years, I’ve felt the strain of striking the right balance, and doing so in a healthy way that allows me to achieve what I want to achieve without sacrificing my health too much. But, it’s proved to be quite the challenge this year. 

However, I have been able to learn a little something from it all. I’m learning that there are some days I can’t control; there are some days when the symptoms, or the inaccessibility of the world is too absorbing. Sometimes, those days come as a result of over-exertion, and sometimes they come just because that’s the fun of being chronically ill. 

In a way, this has forced me to confront a truth I’ve always tried to resist – I can’t do everything at once, or in the same day, or even the same week. And, whilst that’s difficult for my forever active brain to accept, it’s absolutely OK that this is my reality.

I’m slowly recognising that there’s something powerful in that realisation, and I hope it can guide me as I strive to achieve better balance in 2021. 

The balancing act is an illusion I need to stop unconsciously shattering out of habit of listening to my head instead of my body. 

I’m usually quite a determined person when it comes to setting myself a goal or a target, but I’ve always faltered when it comes to pacing myself and striking the right balance. There always seems to be an overriding thought that lures my hands to the keyboard to type out a fresh idea, instead of staying put and resting when I should. But, by typing this, I’m forming some kind of contract with myself, confirming that I’m going to try to apply a better semblance of balance to my life next year. 

What I’ve gleaned most this year is more of a confirmation than a new lesson; Whilst striving to achieve your goals is all well and good, subjecting yourself to burnout is not a sacrifice you have to make in order to get there.

In the moments of difficulty that come as a natural part of life, and perhaps not striking that right balance sometimes, it’s so easy to lean into the fear that you won’t be able to get back on track. But, I think there’s something to be said about experiencing those moments too and how you eventually find a way forward.

I’ve said this in various ways over the years, but I do think that even in the darkest of days, there is a glimmer of light. I’d love to know how you manage to find it, and if you have any tips or tricks that help you to strike the right balance in life. Everyone’s advice, stories and experiences are diverse so it’s always wonderful to hear what you have to say. 

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As a final note, I’m sending you all lots of love in light of the recent news. After a year of such confusion, heartbreak, and uncertainty for the world, it’s more important than ever to take a step back and seek some semblance of joy and relaxation. I hope you manage to find it this festive season. 

Take care and stay safe, everyone. 

Elin x