Let’s talk about self-confidence

It always blows me away when people relay their experiences to me in this way but when they do, all the reasons I write about such personal topics are echoed back to me and those reasons are the ones that encourage the creation of every new post. 

You might remember ‘My Struggle with Confidence’, a blog post I published earlier this year, where I bared so many of what I consider to be some of my most vulnerable feelings on to the page. Well, today is round two. 

But this time, I’m shifting my focus away from confidence in terms of speaking and being outgoing and, instead, shining the spotlight on self-confidence. I know they intertwine but I like to view confidence as being an umbrella and there are lots of loose strands and different elements floating underneath. 

So let’s tie up a few of those loose ends shall we?

LET’S TALK ABOUT SELF-CONFIDENCE

Ever since I published that initial confidence post, I vowed to explore and identify more attributes of the topic because, although there’s been a huge rise in the number of people who talk about it (which is amazing), self-confidence is something we still often discount and despite being told ‘not to compare ourselves to others’, with the world of social media being as busy, loud and influential as ever, it’s still so easy to lose ourselves in it all. 

We’re constantly met with damaging headlines or social media posts which can take their toll on our confidence or mental health. No one should ever feel like they’re not enough. 

So I think it’s about time that we attempt to encourage self-confidence and open the conversation rather than downplaying its affects and their strength. 

So here’s a little of my story. 

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MY DIFFERENCES

It’s no surprise that my disability is making an appearance in this post. If you’re a regular reader then you will most likely have noticed the running pattern on here since many of the thoughts or feelings I mention direct back to sight loss, it’s a very gripping root which is hard to break away from. 

And here it is again, encouraging flurries of self-consciousness. 

Although I’ve accepted many of my differences as a disabled young woman, I can still be simultaneously shy, awkward, and self-conscious when it comes to some aspects of living with sight loss. 

Moments of doubt filter through my thoughts from time to time as things such as my cane and my screen-reader (symbols of my disability, if you will) make me aware of my differences, especially when I’m out and about. 

I’m sometimes still met with the overwhelming sense of people’s glares and judgements. They suddenly make me feel very seen and that can make me feel vulnerable. 

This was even more true in the early stages of my sight loss journey: All the magnifiers I had to use, the large print books and the arsenal of assistive technology I had to hand were things that made me feel ‘different’ and they were some of the main reasons why I tried to downplay the true impacts of my sight-stealing disease.

When growing up, I was made to feel like the odd one out – constantly – from the sense of people’s stares falling upon me when I’d use a piece of assistive tech to when I was called ‘ugly’ when I wore a pair of prescription sunglasses. Admittedly, they weren’t the most stylish of accessories but hearing that comment as a 7 or 8 year old was incredibly damaging. 

I remember thinking there and then that I didn’t fit in, something no child wants to feel, and so I tried to blend in with my peers. And so the specs were never to be seen again. 

I’m mentioning all of this to begin with because I think it’s important to raise awareness of the affects sight loss can have on someone’s self-confidence. 

As disabled people, we’re so often met with discrimination and stereotypes which can take their toll. 

They do that for me in the form of knocking my self-confidence. Sometimes I can’t help but feel insecure about the way I might be perceived when using my cane or any other aid for my vision impairment. 

Each element of past judgement, fear, embarrassment, shame or indifference rear their heads in situations like this and it can be hard to close the flood gates before disdain flows through. 

It’s easy to say, “Let them stare” and I quite often hold on to that mantra – I can’t see people’s stares after all – but it can sometimes be a struggle for me to take my own advice. 

But now, as things such as my cane employ me with a stronger degree of independence, I’m holding on to the value of that feeling. 

I’ve realised as I’ve grown up that the beauty of this world is that we’re all different, disability or not, and that is something we should embrace. 

APPEARANCE

Moving swiftly on to what we all probably recognise as the root of self-confidence, or lack there of. Let’s talk about appearance. 

I don’t think I’ve ever touched on my experiences with acne on here before and I have lots of reasons as to why, mainly because talking about appearance is scary territory for me. But I think now is as good a time as any to talk a little about my insecurity.

When I went to see Ed Sheeran in concert back in August, I travelled to Leeds with no trace of makeup on my skin, venturing to the show with only some eyeshadow, bronzer and a slash of light pink lipstick. This was mainly because we found ourselves in a mad rush and my usual routine was no where near manageable in the mere five minutes we had to spare. But it was also because my skin was a little clearer at the time and, after my mum served up some reassuring words, I felt a little more confident in myself. 

This was the first time I’d stepped into public without any concealer or foundation on in years. Something that might seem insignificant to some but a big step for me nonetheless. A little voice still whispered in the back of my mind, persisting in the attempt to make me feel like my acne scars were too visible but instead of concealing those insecurities, I tried to suppress those thoughts and walk out the door with my head held high. 

This felt quite significant for me in terms of my struggle with my skin and the lack of self-confidence that so tightly wraps around that.

Although I felt slightly conscious, the music and singalongs soon washed my worries away and I wasn’t thinking about the fact that I hadn’t layered product upon product on my skin. 

So there I was, in the midst of a crowd of 80,000 people, each person, I presume, will have experienced hints of self-confidence issues at one point or another, maybe they do every single day. And as a blur of torch lights stretched across the fields, I was reminded that everyone has their flaws and insecurities and I couldn’t be the only one who stepped onto those grassy hills with an element of self-doubt in my mind. 

The image we have of ourselves doesn’t translate to others, most people won’t notice your flaws or insecurities – why? Because they have their own, an arsenal of them – probably – and they worry about them just as much as you do about yours. 

We’re all so different but I can guarantee that we all feel insecure about something in our lives. I thought that people might judge me for the slight redness of my acne scars but as everyone filed to their places in front of the stage, I realised that no one would care or notice. Everyone was too busy marvelling at the thought of Ed and his support acts on stage later that evening to notice my imperfections and that was quite the revelation. 

But, low and behold, there I was – a week, maybe 10 days later – facing another conundrum. After a few outings without brushing my trusty BareMinerals foundation onto my skin, a fresh cluster of spots appeared and, before I knew it, I resubscribed to my ‘must wear makeup’ mentality. 

And this just goes to show that we’re too quick to place our insecurities under a microscope; One hair out of place? It’s a bad hair day. A small spot starts forming? Ugly. 

NO, not true. (Can someone please refer me back to these words when I next say one of the above?) 

My point is, we magnify the tiniest of insecurities, almost as if it’s second nature. And as we demand a closer look, we encourage a small fault to snowball into something that grips us, consumes us, without a real need to. 

So let’s take the magnifying glass away for a moment, or, if that’s a tricky task, why don’t we try to confront the harshness of the judgments we make about ourselves. 

I hear you saying “I can’t”, I say the same when it comes to a myriad of things but can we at least take baby steps? Just one step forward could be the one we need to adopt a little more confidence in ourselves, something we all deserve to have.

And just some final notes about appearance: It might seem that, as bloggers, Instagrammers and online content creators, that we’re all super confident in the way we look but I can assure you that it’s definitely not the case. I’ve  been taking outfit photos for my blog for a couple of years now, but it doesn’t mean that I ooze confidence or have zero insecurities. No, not at all. 

I still have to wait for my surroundings to completely clear before I dare smile at the camera and I can’t guarantee that I’ll always be happy with the end result, even though I can’t see for myself. 

So remember, when you see someone striking a pose on Instagram, there might be an arena of insecurities behind their smile. 

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MY HERE AND NOW

Although I’ve progressed a little along the road of self-confidence, an element of doubt can still float around from one arena in my mind to another and lack of self-belief plays a big part in that. 

I’m known as someone who puts a lot of pressure on myself, I work hard to reach my goals and to aim for the next one so when I don’t reach or achieve what I hoped I would, the confidence I have in myself and my abilities dwindles. And before I know it, I’m caught in-between two consciences, one battling to convince me that I can’t do something whilst the other wants to progress but is too scared to, incase failure looms. 

However, I’m slowly growing to believe more in myself; I’ve gone from thinking “I can’t do that, no way”, to “well actually, maybe I can.” And then when I achieve whatever I thought I couldn’t, my self-confidence blooms and flourishes and another flowery accomplishment starts to grow beside it. That’s quite refreshing. 

Our friends and family are often our biggest cheerleaders but we can be so quick to brush off their compliments or ‘I believe in you’ messages. We of course shouldn’t need the validity of others to feel confident within ourselves but I find that encouraging words from those closest to you always reinforces some assurance, especially if their words come organically.   

But their reassurance can become redundant so quickly when we’re met with another foible or fault. 

Why do we not join their squad and cheer ourselves on? Is it because we’re scared or embarrassed to? We shouldn’t be. I can guarantee that when a friend or family member is feeling a little down or self-conscious that we all serve up some reassuring words for them, encouraging them to note their amazing traits but we’re not so quick to take our own words on board. Well, it’s about time that we do. 

If you’ve achieved something today, this week, this year, take pride in it, no matter how big or small the accomplishment. We shouldn’t downplay our successes in fear of thinking it’s arrogant or too small an achievement to shout about. If it’s important to you then let your proudness shine through.

We focus so much on the clouds and the darkness they can cast over us, but if you let some sunlight peek out from behind them, you can hold on to the metaphorical rays, taking each as a sign of growth in confidence and self-assurance.

As you do that, the clouds won’t seem so dark anymore.   

Seizing a voyage to greater confidence can sometimes feel like too big a challenge but holding on to every step forward can present results that we’ll eventually be so proud to have worked towards. 

It’s a journey but as I slowly edge forward, I’m saying goodbye to a lot of unwanted thoughts, freeing myself from their tight grip. 

I’m telling you all of this because self-confidence can be a great debacle, whether it’s because of my differences as a disabled person or because I wonder if the work I create is good enough. It can so often encourage the beginning of days of self-doubt or thoughts that are peppered with anxieties. 

So by writing about them, I like to think that I’m picking everything apart in more of an eloquent way. In a way that might encourage further conversation, a very important one at that. 

So, after that awfully long winded ramble about my issues with self-confidence, I hope it helps you to realise that you’re not alone. We all have issues with confidence in some way, we’re only human after all. 

I’m trying to find my confidence one step at a time and, much to my surprise, I sometimes feel proud of the progress I’m making. This then helps me to keep looking forward and to keep challenging myself further.

It’s still very much a work in progress but we wouldn’t feel like we were achieving or progressing if there wasn’t anything left to work on. 

So tell me (if you want to of course), what aspects of self-confidence do you struggle with? And what helps you to overcome some of those insecurities? Although I’m sure we’d all love to live in a world free of any judgements, that will never be the case unfortunately. But here is a judgement free zone so if you have a little something to share, please feel free. Sharing and embracing who we are is such a beautiful thing and I love when posts like this encourage a conversation that we need to be having more of. There are so many variations of beautiful, funny, successful, but there’s only one version of you so try to have confidence in that knowledge and feel free to share some of your most valuable tips.

Elin x

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