When everything gets a little too much

Am I nervous about publishing this? Absolutely, because admitting that you’re struggling is never easy but at the same time, I think it’s important to recognise these moments and as my worries, tiredness, frustrations and apathy came to a head earlier this week, I thought it was about the right time for me to make a comeback to my blogging space after a month away from the keyboard. 

I feel like amongst the disability related posts and articles about where I’m at with my confidence that sometimes a little update and a good chat is needed, it’s good to have a ramble, a heart-to-heart sometimes, wouldn’t you agree? 

WHEN IT ALL GETS A LITTLE TOO MUCH

UNIVERSITY

So let’s start with the frantic world that is university and everything that comes hand-in-hand with studying a degree. 

It’s just about two weeks since I sat my first Open Uni exam, the final hurdle I’d have to jump over before my second module drew to a close.

I don’t get stressed as such when it comes to exams but I do put a lot of pressure on myself so in the weeks building up to the assessment, I spent hours upon hours revising, early mornings and nine hours of revision some days.

Looking back, cramming so much into one day probably wasn’t the brightest of ideas but once I got into the swing of things, it was a little tricky to pull myself away from the work.

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And so university took a priority for a while, as it so rightly should. And whilst I missed writing in a blogging context, it was really important to me that I put my exam, along with other aspects of university, first. 

The exam itself didn’t quite fall in my favour, with some difficulties in terms of timings, having to move rooms and some accessibility barriers before the exam in addition to some of the questions not being as pleasant as I hoped they would be, it wasn’t plain sailing but I tried my best and I guess that’s all anyone can ask for at the end of the day.  

But I can’t hide the fact that I walked away from the venue feeling a little deflated whilst also thinking a lot about the barriers that were presented because of my vision impairment.

Sometimes I’m left wondering how much easier things would be if I could see the world like everyone else, a mindset that I don’t like falling in to, but I think it’s important that I let you know because whilst I’m all about highlighting the positives, I also want to show that there is another side to it, something which can be overwhelming at times. 

BLOGGING

I blamed the lack of inspiration and motivation I had towards my blog on my exam and how much of my time revision was sweeping up in its tracks.

Ever since the exam was over, I’ve been trying to restore some balance in my life, thinking to myself that everything would fall back into place, that I’d flip up my laptop screen and start tapping away at the keyboard with a long list of blog post ideas ready to be manifested. 

But this wasn’t the case. 

Despite a couple of articles I’ve written for other publications/websites, ideas just haven’t been flowing. 

Yet here I sit, after another week of feeling uninspired, unsure of what train of thought to follow. But I guess that’s all to be discovered and I’d like to think that as I slowly regain my focus that there won’t be as many bumps in the road that leads to that box of ideas I’d like to open again. 

When I decided to take some time away from blogging, I was expecting it to be a week or two at most, a month away from my online space wasn’t exactly planned; I wasn’t expecting to lose my mojo, I wasn’t expecting the inspiration behind my words to disappear into thin air, but it did and so I decided that whilst I was experiencing this odd little spell, it was a good time to take a breather. 

So after finally convincing myself that some time to refocus was the best thing to do, everything blogging related slipped and in all honesty, I’m still trying to push forward and grab hold of it once again.

Writing is incredibly important to me so I’ve been trying so hard to find the best ways of getting back into it and it’s only now that I realise that trying so hard to find the key to the ideas which are locked away in the corners of my mind somewhere was only doing more harm than good.  

I found that my mind was so full of thoughts that I lost track of what I wanted to say, I was unable to find the right words and that’s why I decided to take some time away because forced content is never the best content and I wanted to take some time until I felt ready to come back.

I feel like I now have a few things I’d like to share again, threads of ideas that I’d like to follow so I guess we can just see where things go from here.

Aside from trying to find some inspiration for content, I’ve also been spending a lot of time this week on my blog’s layout. Following some drama in the bloggersphere surrounding the previous theme provider, I had to change my template meaning that my blog would adopt yet another new look. 

After not being able to grasp all the coding and technical lingo that came hand in hand with the new theme, I found myself feeling a little overwhelmed by it all and I just didn’t feel like the theme was ‘me’, to which my mum agreed.

So I found myself back in square one, searching the internet for something that fit my needs, not only in terms of its layout but also accessibility. Thankfully, I found a layout by Underline Designs.

After going through some of my accessibility needs with the creator and checking if she’d be happy to make any changes if needs be, I was so pleasantly surprised to find how helpful she was so of course it was a no brainer. 

And so after another purchase, My Blurred World 4.0 has now been launched. There are of course some tweaks that still remain to be seen to but please feel free to have a look around and let me know what you think. Any insights you have in terms of what you like/don’t like would be much appreciated because although it’s important that I like the design myself, it’s equally as important to me that it’s user friendly and that it’s easy for you to navigate too. 

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LIFE IN GENERAL

Away from all of this, I’ve been trying to indulge in some much needed ‘me time’. Attempting to find the right balance whilst also trying to control the anxiety I’ve been feeling along with the tiredness and weakness caused by my chronic illness.

I’m trying to reach a point of feeling mentally stronger again because the last few weeks have been a challenge to say the least.  

I’ve been routinely insisting that I’m ok when in actual fact, I need to recognise that I’m not and that’s what I’ve done, or at least tried to do more of lately. 

I can sense a further deterioration in my eyesight too, the world as I see it seems to be becoming darker by the day and that in itself is hard to deal with and whilst I’m recognising the difficulty of it, I’m also trying my best to channel my positive thoughts and focus on doing more of what makes me happy.

Now that there aren’t as many deadlines, things are slightly more settled so maybe I can afford to take my foot off the pedal, or not push down as hard at least.

I’m looking forward to working towards putting less pressure on myself, catching up with friends, planning some birthday celebrations, focusing a lot more on my blog and enjoying the sunshine while it lasts. 

I might not be completely myself at the moment but I’m slowly regaining my focus, trying my best to put myself first and acknowledging the fact that it’s ok to have bad days, it’s natural to experience spells of feeling unmotivated and uninspired and it’s more than ok to take a step back, even from the things you love the most.

So yes, everything has been a little too much lately but in the words (or lyrics) of Shawn Mendes;

“Sometimes it all gets a little too much but you gotta realise that soon the fog will clear up.”

I can now sense some of that fog lifting, allowing glimpses of sunshine to peek through, I’m going to make the most of those glimpses every chance I get and remind myself that yes, things do get a little too much sometimes but they can also get better when we talk things through and take small steps to regaining our focus, happiness and positivity again. 

It’s not always easy but it’s never impossible. 

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So I guess this post marks the fact that I’m feeling a little more grounded at the moment. Combing through my thoughts means that there isn’t as much noise in my mind. Regaining that calmer mindset is the end goal, what I’m currently working towards but I’m not rushing anything, I’m trying not to push myself too hard and I’m just taking one day at a time.

That’s all any of us can do at the end of the day. 

If you’re finding things difficult at the moment then please know that you’re not alone. I know that doesn’t always bring much comfort but it can be the reassurance we need sometimes.

I can be a closed book sometimes, unable to find the words to paint a picture of how I feel, afraid that if I open up to someone then my worries will bear weight on what they have going on in their own lives but the truth is, so many people are willing to help and listen and if you sense when someone you’re close to is struggling, a simple question asking if they’re ok, really ok, could be the moment that encourages them to finally open up. 

Let me know below if there is anything specific that helps you when things get a little too much, is there a self-care routine that helps you relax or maybe you find comfort in writing, exercising or listening to music. 

We’re all so different but one thing we have in common is that overwhelming feeling we can sense when life presents some bumps in the road but by opening up a little more, seeking support from a loved one or finding happiness in doing something we love, we can eventually move forward and gear ourselves up for the next challenge.

Elin x

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