Finding acceptance through music

To me, concerts are a glittering homage to the power, strength and unity that music can provide and I always find that the happiness that tangles around a live performance is something that I don’t want to tease out in the weeks that follow.  

This nostalgia always hits me as the crowds trickle out of the arena after the last note travels through the wave of dedicated fans, and I’m reminded of all the times I’ve found comfort and solace through music in different moments of my life.

It’s in moments like these that I recognise the value and the strength that music can capture and, although I’ve offered a glimpse into how music has affected my own life in my concert related content, I’ve never truly identified the role it has played on my journey to acceptance.

 I’m always harping on about how writing, on and offline, has allowed me to find acceptance with many aspects of my life, my disability in particular, but it hasn’t been a lone wolf. No, music has helped me massively along the way and I think it’s about time that I dedicate a full word count to explaining how and why. 

FINDING ACCEPTANCE THROUGH MUSIC

My ears are still humming from the vibrations of the music as I tap out the first few sentences to this blog post; a surge of inspiration suddenly graces my thoughts as my friends and I bid goodnight to each other, giggly and satiated after witnessing such a display of talent this evening. 

The weeks leading up to this concert have proven challenging with my mental health taking a bit of a nosedive but, as I listened to some of my all time favourite songs echoing through my most-loved concert venue, some of those unwanted thoughts evaporated as I was enveloped in the warm embrace of the music. 

Music has always been a huge part of my life and, although I felt like finding something I could immerse myself within was a wild goose chase when I was a little one and I let myself believe that my vision impairment would hold me back, I soon parted with that thought when I started learning to play the piano.

I felt happy as I let the notes ring out and pride radiated through me when I told people that I could play an instrument and that I was passing my exams. 

Piano and harp lessons permeated my childhood and teenage years, it was a form of escapism for me, something that afforded me the opportunity to express myself in a different way. Sure, there were times when going to lessons felt like a chore (mainly out of tiredness or pure lack of motivation – typical teen) but I always found solace and comfort in the realms of music.  

The enjoyment did seep out of lessons a little as my vision deteriorated and the notes on the already adapted manuscript blurred into unrecognisable shapes, but the fun soon manifested again as I learned to play by ear and realised that you really don’t need eyesight to value music. 

I soon found comfort in writing too and, whilst I now channel that into my blog posts, I used to let the feelings unfurl into song lyrics that would never see the light of day. But they really did matter to me at the time and I found a form of reassurance as I transformed my feelings into words on a page. 

I was becoming increasingly aware of the feeling that I didn’t fit in at that time, always on the periphery of a group conversation or an event, never fully immersed in anything. But as my fingers hugged the harp strings or grazed the piano keys and my voice later found solace when singing along to a shiny new Spotify playlist, I felt like I belonged to something. 

Nerves would naturally occupy my mind when I competed with my instruments or when my brother and I tried a hand at singing a-cappella covers of Welsh songs in local competitions or events, but, in a way, (and this might make me sound incredibly sad) I didn’t feel like I was alone since I always had my brother, my piano or my harp with me and, once I got into the swing of things, I got lost in the tones. 

Competing and playing publicly didn’t excite me as I grew older but building my CD collection did and I found comfort in lyrics and the meanings of songs. Listening to music became a constant fixture in my day to day life, from listening and singing along to the latest singles with my friends to popping a CD on once I returned home after a hard day at school, I became very aware that music was becoming one of the only things that allowed me to be myself. 

I listened intently as I took more note of the lyrics and the meaning behind the words, and I realised how some were asserting a certain kind of empowerment and reassurance, yielding a greater connection with the songs and the artists I was listening to. 

I eventually committed to a Spotify subscription and I add to my playlists religiously. There’s a playlist for every mood now; feeling stressed? Pop the chill-out collection on. Unmotivated? Hit play on the ‘motivational songs’ playlist. Want a dose of Shawn Mendes? Yep, there’s a playlist at the ready.

There are so many songs that enhance my mood and some lyrics that mean a lot to me, some of which holding an important message that I go back to and play on repeat if I need a reminder of the fact that I’m not alone or that I’m stronger than I think I am. I’ve been able to unearth multiple layers of meaning and interpretation in my favourite songs and I love that music enables us the freedom to form our own intrepretations of what we’re listening to.  

As my relationship with music blossomed, my desire to hear some of my favourite artists live grew.

 April 2017 saw me attend my first concert in the form of Shawn Mendes’ Illuminate World Tour and I’ve been hooked ever since. Three years down the line and I’ve seen the likes of Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift live with my latest concert being The Script at Manchester Arena, the second time for me to see the Irish trio live. 

I soon realised that there’s nothing quite like attending a concert and witnessing the beautiful artistry of a singer/band’s words and music first hand. There’s something really special about the atmosphere and judgement, either from myself or others, seems to dissipate. 

I always illustrate the happiness I draw from concerts in the blog posts I write following an event and I can’t help but reiterate that here. There’s something intrinsic about the atmosphere and I delight in singing a song from beginning to end with all the other fans. There’s no prejudice, misconception or judgement in that moment and that is what’s incredibly grounding about the whole experience. 

I quite often listen back to recordings I capture at a concert, remembering the smile that stretched across my face at a certain moment or a speech between songs that touched me. 

For me, it almost feels like an underlying trust has formed when it comes to music, it provides a sense of security in a way, forged from the knowledge that I can always trust my favourite artists, songs and lyrics to instil an affirmation in me. Just like the support of my family and friends, I know that music will always be there and I can seek comfort during the bad times as well as the good. 

I’m not claiming that music wipes every trace of angst or doubt, or that it stands alone in helping me find acceptance, because it definitely doesn’t, but it contributes to the all round journey. 

My vision impairment can sometimes colour my thoughts with a sense of vulnerability and helplessness and I have to admit that these feelings have gripped me during different points in my life, but I’ve always found that I can channel that vulnerability into music and let it whip up the feeling and carry it away, even if it’s just for a few minutes. 

Although my piano and harp lessons grew to feel like a formality as I graduated into my late teens, my relationship with music continued to sustain happiness even after I stopped playing. I’m now privy to burying my head in the depths of Spotify and letting the tunes whisk me away. Appreciating the sentiment of a song or a lyric that clicks, allowing myself to feel captivated by the melody, gripped by the lyrics and letting a form of vulnerability dissolve, reemerge and tease out into something bigger, with purpose. 

Music has provided me with a sense of purpose and value, some artists and lyrics have helped me to ascertain important realisations and I’m therefore 100% certain that the affects music has on my life will never falter.

I think the journey to acceptance is the longest we’ll endure in life, there’s no high speed train that can get us to our destination quicker but it’s a process to be appreciated and valued. I’m definitely still on my voyage to accepting aspects of my vision impairment and chronic illness, to accepting my foibles and faults, my strengths and my weaknesses. I know that a massive part of finding acceptance is working on ourselves, taking our time and distinguishing the best methods of edging closer to that end goal but I know that I’ll always have music to help guide me along the way. 

There are a few songs that are almost a soundtrack to my life, adorned with lyrics that empower, inspire or simply comfort. My favourite songs knit together to create a huge comfort blanket that I can wrap myself up in when the going gets tough or when I simply need that extra nudge. 

Music should never be underestimated in its existence, it holds this intrinsic power that can attain happiness, strength, value and reassurance and offer these characteristics to those of us that need them most. 

I’d love to know what kind of role music plays in your life, do you find it empowering, motivating and inspiring? Or do you simply pop a song on in the background as a form of distraction? Whatever value it holds in your life, feel free to share and we can chat all things music (my favourite kind of conversation!)

Elin x