The unexpected path

Now, here comes the crazy part; Among those recognisable names is me…

I feel as though I’ve wittered on about this enough on social media over the past few days, but I couldn’t possibly dismiss it on my blog. 

I think a classic ramble is well overdue around here, and I’m in the mood to rectify that today. 

So, as I sit here, accompanied by a flurry of comments and messages that light up my phone in response to this BBC article I wrote, I want to take some time to do what I do best on here and reflect on what this means for me, and that unexpected path that has lead to a destination I never could have anticipated. 

I will warn you that the words that lie ahead may well be a selection of thoughts laden with gobbledygook. But, we’re all friends here, and, who knows, maybe you’ll be able to point out some kind of semblance with the way you think or feel when you come across twists and turns in your own life path. 

THE UNEXPECTED PATH

I’ve relived so many moments and feelings in my life through blog posts I’ve curated on here; penning messages of reassurance that I could have benefited from reading when I was younger, and reviving different reflections in the hope of helping others to recognise that they’re not alone. 

When flicking back through the archived pages, it’s quite surreal to think about how much I’ve shared, considering how reserved I was when I was first diagnosed with my eye condition, and in the years that followed. 

A wave of nostalgia hits me every time I think back to the moment I hit the publish button on my first blog post; Honestly, I felt quite broken at the time. Uncertainty was threading its way through the tapestry of my sight loss story, and grief, loneliness and resentment were being left as a residue of the deterioration I was experiencing. 

I was feeling an acute sense of anxiety, and failing to disclose the panic attacks I was experiencing regularly, even to those closest to me. 

I was at one of my lowest points in terms of my journey with my vision impairment which, in turn, was having a knock-on effect on the decisions I was having to make in terms of what path I wanted to follow as I started to carve out my future.

I found comfort and escapism in the frivolity of fashion, makeup and music. But despite the rest-bite such things provided from the chaos that was my frantic brain, a form of isolation still lingered.  

It was a dull ache that couldn’t be soothed; I felt awfully alone in what I was experiencing, and I failed to recognise that I wasn’t the only one. 

Eventually, I gently eased myself from the rigid routine of numbly going about my day-to-day life, and turned to writing about some feelings I was experiencing in an attempt to loosen their grip. 

I already knew how powerful writing could be, having previously penned fictional short stories purely for enjoyment. But it was the first time I noted my own thoughts and feelings in such a candid way. 

Similar to this post, there was no structure or theme to what I was documenting, but it gradually became something I did more often. 

Discovering this outlet afforded me the opportunity to note my emotions in a way that felt comfortable to me, leading me down more of a positive path in contrast to the one that was previously shrouded in angst and doubt. 

I needed to find the happy-medium between writing and talking – something which proved difficult for a long time. But these personal musings were a good starting point.

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It was then that I became more familiar with the concept of blogs. I recalled turning to the internet in search of stories from others in a similar situation to me, and failing to find them amongst the stats and medical perspectives. 

This sparked the ever iconic ‘lightbulb moment’, and led me to flirt with the idea of creating my own online space. 

Little did I know how significant a decision that would be in my life. 

The path this blog has led me down is so far removed from anything my teenage-self could have ever imagined. It has brought me realisations about myself and what I want to achieve; forever activating the creative side of my brain and leading me to so many other people in a similar situation. 

Writing My Blurred World almost forces me to reflect on different moments of my life and pinpoint what shaped them; what feelings or thoughts were most prominent, and how I reacted amongst it all. 

I have extracted so many moments of my life and shared them on here, and other platforms, in the hope of raising awareness and helping others in a similar situation. 

Through writing, I’ve been able to identify what I feel most comfortable in sharing which has translated into more confidence in terms of talking about my impairment offline too. This has proven invaluable for me, having felt incredibly insecure when addressing my impairment in the past. 

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My teenage self had no idea what path she wanted to follow, and some of the stereotypically motivated concerns I heard when referencing a potential goal only pushed me further in to the trenches of the most draining emotions. 

Clouds of doubt formed overhead whenever someone told me I wouldn’t be able to achieve something because I’m disabled, and I naturally felt deflated when faced with a setback.

But, I grew to realise that perhaps these were happening for a reason. 

It took some time for this concept to fully settle into my thoughts, but as it did, a small seed of determination started to blossom alongside it. 

The small inkling I did have as to what path I wanted to follow as a teenager has now changed so dramatically, and I have my blog to thank for a lot of that. 

I guess that’s the thing about featuring in something as prestigious as the BBC’s 100 Women list, and receiving such lovely comments and messages of support from the fabulous little community we’ve built on here; it prompts this reflection of everything that has led me to this point. 

I’ve been coddled in so many moments of uncertainty during my life, thanks to the unpredictable nature of my impairments. But, somehow, I’ve mustered some semblance of courage to navigate every emotion and experience in the healthiest way I can. 

I’ll hold my hands up and say that I haven’t always done so gracefully, or in the most straightforward sense, but here we are. 

Writing, sharing, and, dare I say, advocating? Has allowed me to slowly build on my confidence and funnel my thoughts into something with a little more depth and purpose. 

A few years ago, I felt pressured to follow the crowd; I felt pushed by the expectations of others, and this meant that I lost sight of what I truly wanted to do. 

But when I created this blog, it allowed two passions of mine – writing and helping others – to align. And the magic of it all is that it has given me a life I never expected. 

I’ve learned a lot of things about myself through typing these posts, and I’ve been lucky enough to receive comments and feedback from others – something that always bolsters my urge to keep going. 

I’m so grateful that you continue to return here and read what I have to say, despite this year’s inconsistencies.

It hasn’t always been easy to share so openly, or pinpoint what content readers will find most interesting to browse, but my blog has nourished some of my insecurities and continues to allow me to push myself out of my comfort zone.

I’m doing things my teenage self never could have imagined, sharing anecdotes that I once didn’t have a voice for, and I feel so incredibly grateful that this is the path I’m now following. 

I guess my take away point for this mammoth ramble is that sometimes life doesn’t take you down the path you expected to follow. Sometimes, one of the turns is so severe that you wonder what things were like to begin with, and where you were planning on heading. 

It’s okay if you don’t find yourself on the path you initially thought you’d follow, because the one you’re on, despite the challenges you come across, might well lead to even better destinations. 

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I’d love to know if you have ended up following a path that completely contrasts what you initially planned or dreamed of, has one moment in your life determined what your next step will be? We’re all on our individual journeys, but I think one thing that connects us all is the fact that life can lead us in a completely different direction to what we envisaged and, sometimes, that’s okay. 

Elin x