This is a post which I’m not quite sure how to start, one that I’ve been putting off writing for a while now for a number of reasons. I’ve doubted whether it’s a good idea for me to put this part of me out there, after all it’s a topic that’s tricky to put into words and it’s something so personal to me. Yes, I’m talking about my struggle with confidence.
But although I’m quite skeptical about putting my struggle into words, a big part of me hopes that by writing this, someone out there might be able to relate, it might even help someone in some way.
I know that I could have done with reading something like this a few years ago.
I’ve talked about confidence on here before but I realised that what I wrote will probably be lost in the depths of my blog somewhere and quite frankly, it’s not one I’d like to dig out again so I wanted to write another from the perspective of my 20-year-old self who has grown quite a bit (in terms of confidence, definitely not height) since the last time I briefly touched on this topic 2 or 3 years ago.
I feel like people have different definitions of confidence. To some it might be non-stop talking, being so outgoing that everyone knows when you’ve walked into a room or just someone who knows who they are and the path they want to go down in life. Or to others it might be sharing your story and giving yourself a voice, maybe via a blog?
if it’s the latter definition we’re going by then I’m definitely confident, or more so than I used to be.
But, I’ve struggled, I’ve struggled a lot and maybe a small part of me always will.
I want to write this post today because it’s not only good for me to document how I’m feeling, where I’m at right now and having this here for me to reflect back on in the future, maybe someone out there will be able to relate to what I’ve got to say, maybe they can find reassurance in knowing that they’re not alone.
I’ve always been quite open on my blog but to me, there’s a contrast between opening up about my vision impairment and being open about my issues with confidence, or lack of in my case.
It’s something which seems a lot more personal to me, something I don’t feel as confident when talking or writing about, how ironic.
But here goes…
MY STRUGGLE WITH CONFIDENCE
I’ve never been able to express myself very well, sparking conversations always seemed to be an issue, I found it difficult to give my opinion, to say when I needed help, meeting new people and so much more and now, I think it’s about time I open up about my struggle.
I’ve been a shy little soul for as long as I can remember, I was never a non-stop talking kid, I never wanted to put my hand up in class to answer a question because I didn’t like the fact that if I did, my voice would be the only one people could hear.
I was scared of saying the wrong thing so I thought it was best not to say anything.
Some of the most frequently asked questions I received when growing up related to my confidence.
‘Why are you so quiet?’, ‘Are you this quiet at home?’, ‘You don’t say much do you?’ are the ones which have stuck with me, they were asked by people the same age as me and adults alike, taxi drivers, teachers, even school cleaners.
In the last couple of years, I’ve tried my best to work on my confidence so these questions aren’t asked as often, if at all.
My lack of confidence often goes hand-in-hand with my vision impairment, it stems from the fact that I can’t see people when I walk into a room and the fact that I was bullied for my disability when I was younger, this then resulted in the feeling of loneliness and it meant that I was constantly feeling different which made it more difficult for me to be ‘the real me’ because I was afraid people would judge me for it.
People knew me as ‘the quiet one’, ‘the shy girl’, and I desperately wanted to prove those people wrong, show them that a confident side of me did exist, it would come out when I was chatting to my friends or family, bickering with my brother or acting in short sketches with the youth and young farmers clubs I attended.
I’d stand up on a stage in front of a room full of people, singing duets with my brother and I didn’t have a care in the world, I played a mum, a grandma and all sorts of characters in these sketches and absolutely loved it.
But when it came to school in particular, I couldn’t be that confident person I was on stage or at home and although I tried SO hard, I just found it really difficult to come out of my shell.
Issues with confidence is definitely something I don’t like having, I feel like it’s something a lot of people struggle to comprehend but it’s an inner-battle, something which can take a long time to make sense of.
I can be really confident when talking about my vision impairment – the things that I know inside out as well as my passions such as fashion and music but, away from that, I can falter.
I think there’s this expectation that everyone should be super outgoing and opinionated, especially this generation but some of us struggle with anxiety, social anxiety, lack of confidence in ourselves and so many other factors which prevent us from expressing ourselves the way we might like to.
Big groups of people, large crowds and not knowing what’s around me are the main things that knock my confidence these days.
I can turn into a little mouse version of myself in these situations, a version of Elin I don’t like.
If I’m in a situation where I don’t know who’s there, I don’t have a clue where someone is for me to go up and talk to or if it’s a generally loud environment where I’m struggling to hear as well as see, I’m at my lowest points of confidence and it leads me to believe that people think I’m being rude or that I don’t want to talk to them which is definitely not the case, this then leads me to feel quite anxious which then means that I can’t express myself because my anxiety seems to prevent it and I just work myself up even further.
It’s a vicious circle.
Although I’m making progress, sometimes it’s almost as if there’s something holding me back, something that prevents me from being the confident person I know I am and can be. The person I am with my family and friends, the girl who makes random observations about things in life that people really don’t care about.
I wish I could be that girl with everyone.
MY PROGRESS
Sometimes I believe that my unconfident self is left in the past, there are so many situations when I’m so much more myself than I used to be but there are also times when I don’t feel that way, scenarios where I feel vulnerable and I seem to slip back to my old ways.
But that is much more rare than it used to be.
I have come on leaps and bounds in the last year when my confidence is concerned. Sure, I’m not the loudest and yes I might struggle with conversations at times but I’ve made significant progress and for that, I’m proud.
I’ve done two radio interviews and three TV interviews in the last 7 months, something I never thought I’d have the confidence to do but I proved myself wrong.
I’ve filmed videos for RNIB campaigns, I worked on a video with the Welsh online content creators, Hansh, did an interview with BBC Cymru Fyw, became a Young Ambassador for VICTA Children last year and interviewed author and journalist Sali Hughes as part of my role with them. I travelled to Milton Keynes and Manchester independently which was a big step for me as a vision impaired person and I’m writing about my life and experiences with disability every single week here on my blog, that does take confidence, believe me, and listing all these things has made me realise how far I’ve come.
But of course, these things didn’t happen over night, there have been times when I didn’t believe in myself, times when I felt like I was freefalling back to the rock bottom I was once at with my confidence but with time, I’ve learned to push myself a little bit further and tell myself that I can do it.
It hasn’t always been easy and I doubt it ever will when my confidence is concerned but I’m getting there and I think the biggest motivator to moving forward is acknowledging the fact that I’m making progress.
I might not be the most confident of people, the most outspoken or the loudest but I’m definitely on the right track to reaching where I want to be.
So, if you’re a future employer or person who wants to connect with me in any way and you’re thinking it’s best not to bother because of what I’ve written in this post, please reconsider because I’m making progress every day.
My struggle is no longer a constant battle, it’s just something I need to work on from time-to-time.
Becoming the confident version of myself is something I’m forever working on, something I’ll always strive to overcome. Whether I will or not is another question but for now, I’m taking baby steps and pushing myself that little bit further to be and embrace the real me.
‘Fake it until you make it is what they say’ but I’m not quite sure how that lies with me, I’d rather try my best to fix the issue even if it takes weeks, months or even years.
My struggle with confidence goes much deeper than this, I’ve only brushed the surface in this post but I’ll save the rest for another day.
I know that I’m definitely not the only one who struggles with lack of confidence and I want you to know that if you’re one of those who is struggling, you’re not alone and, with time, you will find your feet, you just have to believe in yourself and tell yourself that you can do it.
Confidence comes naturally to some people, but it’s something some of us have to work a little harder at. Sometimes, it’s something that comes naturally with time and age, it can feel like there’s something holding us back but that ‘something’ won’t be there forever – You’ve got this.
It’s easier said than done, I know, but you can overcome it and don’t let anyone tell you any differently.
We all have issues with confidence in some way, whether it’s because of the way we look, the way we’ve been treated in the past or the way we feel in certain situations.
We’re all human, we all have our struggles, our down days, everyone just takes a different amount of time to get back up again.
But the power to change things, how we view ourselves and the way we approach life is in our own hands.
Do you also have issues with confidence? What helps you to overcome it or is it something that you’re working on right now like I am? I’d love to hear what you’ve got to say and to feel reassured that I’m not alone on this.
Elin x
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The Comments
Holly
Huge well done for writing and publishing this post lovely, I know how much it took you to do it! You’re definitely not on you’re own with this and I do think having a vision impairment plays a part, from my own personal experiences anyway. I’m sure it will help many other people feeling exactly the same. I’m so so proud of how far you’ve come and everything that you’ve achieved, you’re going to have an amazing future and it’s only just the beginning! You’ve definitely become a lot more confident in the last few years and it shines through. Keep being you lovely xxx
myblurredworld@gmail.com
HollyThis is so so lovely, thank you so much Hols. Couldn’t have done it without you <3 xxx
Stephen Walker
Yet another outstanding blog Elin. You write so well. A difficult subject to talk about. I can relate to so much of what you have said especially when it comes to asking for help. It’ has taken me many years to build up confidence but I’m still struck with apprehension sometimes when I’m in a room full of a large group of people or at a conference especially when everyone is wearing name badges which I can’t see. It is all about baby steps and you learn from every situation. The good and the bad.
Five broadcast interviews in 7 months the Power 100 and so many other things to be proud of and you should be! As you say it will get easier. Keep talking, sharing and blogging! 🙂
myblurredworld@gmail.com
Stephen WalkerThank you so much Stephen, your continued support means a lot! I definitely think that being in a large group of people is one of the hardest situations for someone who is VI but, like you said, we learn from every situation and although it can be difficult, it will get easier with time. Thank you so much for your lovely comment 🙂
Grace Walker
This is so refreshing to read and it will remind so many people that they’re not alone when it comes to lacking in confidence 😙 thank you for sharing your story xx
myblurredworld@gmail.com
Grace WalkerThank you so much! I really hope it can help someone in some way xx
gertrude t kitty
Enjoyed you blog. We are all so unique and confidence, or the lack of, shapes us. It effects how people interact with us. It’s easy to feel isolated and an outsider. It’s rather like Mia in my novel. Although her struggle with confidence stems from nurture, or lack of you share similar emotional responses. As a writer I find reading blogs very inspirational. You’ve done a great job here x
Sarah
This is such a beautiful and brave post. You’re a huge inspiration and the fact you’ve managed to share such a personal story is confident in itself! You’ve made so much progress and the sky really is the limit for you Elin. Hopefully one day, you’ll reach a point of complete self acceptance and self love, but the journey on the way is the most important! So proud of you xx
MJ
Wow, firstly I want to say congratulations on writing a post this in-depth about something you’re uncomfortable speaking about. That’s an accomplishment in itself. I love how you started off and how you showed the light at the end of the tunnel towards the end. Girl you’ve got so much progress from before! When I read the part about you being bullied for your vision impairment, I got so upset. I literally dislike people who bully others. It just shows that they are lacking something in themselves! You’ve accomplished so much in yourself and as a blogger and I’m super stoked to be able to read about it! Keep up the great work. Let that confidence radiate from within💚💚💚
Charity
Here is a story I can relate to! Thank you so much for sharing.
myblurredworld@gmail.com
CharityThank you so much to you for reading!
Alice
Thanks for sharing this. It’s really good to hear about people overcoming confidence issues, because I know how tough it can be. I think you’re doing amazingly!
myblurredworld@gmail.com
AliceThank you so much Alice!
Samantha
I would agree with your thought on how confidence is viewed differently by different people. I would also say more people than we even realize probably struggle with confidence.
S .x https://samsramblings91.blogspot.com/2019/03/28-things-at-28.html
myblurredworld@gmail.com
SamanthaI completely agree, it’s something that isn’t widely talked about so we don’t realise how many people are struggling. So many people have reached out to me since I published this and although I knew I wasn’t the only one struggling, it’s really opened my eyes to how many people are experiencing something similar. Thank you so much for reading x
Glen
Another excellent post Elin, you’re far from alone on this topic. I can relate to it very much, a lot of your post could have been written about me. Bullying at a very young age shot my confidence to pieces as a kid, and it was a long and gradual process to build it up again. So I was very much the shy and quiet one, too timid or scared to speak up in class or talk to new people. And even now I can still be a bit shy around new people, and when I moved to London I had to push myself not to fall into the trap of shyness-induced isolation, which is very easy to do if one isn’t careful. So I totally appreciate the issues you’ve had to contend with, you’ve written about it really well. 🙂
myblurredworld@gmail.com
GlenThank you so much Glen and thank you for sharing some of your story with me. Although I’m glad people can relate, it’s also sad that people have experienced things like you have. I know it can be really difficult but I think it does come a little easier with time and I guess as we push ourselves out of our comfort zone, we’ll start to gain more confidence in ourselves. Thank you for reading as always 🙂
Will
Thanks for posting this Elin. As someone who also has had to live with Nystagmus (unfortunately, I’m a lot older than you !!) I can so identify with your experiences. It’s great to hear that you’re finding your way through life and that you’re increasing in confidence as you go – and writing about it is inspirational – so thank you. In my experience, I’ve found that there will always be struggles and hurdles to get over but with your attitude and obvious determination I’m sure you’ll succeed at whatever you do. Thanks again for sharing your world with us.
myblurredworld@gmail.com
WillThank you so much will. It’s crazy to me how many people can identify with my story and experiences. I agree that there will always be hurdles but it’s all about learning the best ways of overcoming them. Thank you so much for reading.
Alice
I can really relate to this, I think my confidence goes hand in hand with my anxiety. If I’m having a bad day with one then I’m also suffering with the other. Much like you, I’m definitely more confident in my comfort zones with things I know I’m good at and passionate about or around people I know that love me. But around people that I’m unsure of or am intimidated by, I really do retreat. It’s a reason that I love having my blog and friends online as I can kind of be whoever I want to be. It’s definitely a long journey and a hard one, too. But with time, effort and self-love it really does get better. Loved reading this post!
Alice Xx
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