A letter to my 16-year-old self: You’re going to be okay

This September marks five years since I started studying at sixth form, I’d very much like to know where those years have gone please. During that time, my eyesight was deteriorating rapidly, making me feel like I was going head first down a big waterslide and I couldn’t stop myself from free-falling to the bottom.

A slightly melodramatic way to kick off a blog post but as students return to their books for a new term, it’s got me thinking back to my sixth form beginnings and as I compare it to my here and now, there’s no need to second guess the fact that a lot has changed.

Last week I was asked, “If you could tell your younger self one thing, what would it be?” In honesty, I wasn’t sure what to say because the list is endless. So in light of this, I want to write a little letter to my 16 year old self; to share a few reassuring words that I know could have helped me back then.

A letter to my younger self: You’re going to be okay

Dear Elin,

I’m writing to you as your 21 year old self but don’t panic, it’s less bizarre than it seems so please hear me out. 

Looking back now, there’s so much I wish I had known at the ripe old age of 16 so I’m here to share a few words on what’s to come for you and to hopefully serve up some guidance that will help you through these next few years.

So here goes.

First things first, please buy yourself a makeup sponge asap, it’ll work wonders when blending in your base products, providing you with a slightly less patchy look. You’ll soon learn a myriad of different techniques that will simplify the process of applying makeup but be patient, these things take time.

Now that’s out of the way…

The chapter of your life you’re currently flicking through is a difficult one and I know that the positivity you used to hold on to so tightly is rendered with unwanted feelings. They’re growing like weeds and you’re finding it tricky to pull through those that weave around your feet, tripping your every step but you will be able to break free soon. Trust me when I say that it really does get better.

What’s to come is something I like to call your transitional period and I’m sorry to say that it’s an awkward one. But a lot of what lies ahead will lead you to the next step. Think of it as an escalator which takes you to the next level. However it’s a dodgy one so sometimes it breaks or pauses, prompting this feeling of being suspended in some kind of middle ground but things will be on the move again soon.

It’s not going to be easy, of course. The challenges won’t be erased with a blink of an eye but as you climb over one hurdle and then the next, you’ll become stronger. You should be prepared to stumble over some though – quite literally sometimes, obstacles still jump out from no where. I know, #BlindGirlProblems, unfortunately they still stamp many of your outings even when using your cane.

Yes, you read it right, you’ve become a lot more confident when using your cane now and it’s a good job too because it means that you’ll promote your level of independence. You’re even going to manage a few independent train journeys in a few years time, look at you go!

You’re about to sit down and set yourself some goals for the future, it’s something you’ll think a lot about in attempt to distract yourself from other thoughts. Some things don’t work out and when faced with those disappointments, you’ll entertain another worry, thinking that what you want to achieve will never come into fruition. But keep looking forward, better things will come.

I know you want to do well, achieve good grades and you want people to like you – you stress, you overthink, you worry, you put too much pressure on yourself, oh my goodness, please slow down.

Please take some time for yourself. All of the above, it’s not healthy for you. You’re struggling enough with your health as it is at the moment, please don’t add to it. Things will only unfurl further and you don’t deserve to find yourself in that downward spiral.

With the onset of your AS exams, you’re going to feel the pressure but please try not to stress too much. Despite how hard you work, the challenges you’re facing will have an affect on your performance and you’re going to feel deflated but things will be on the up again soon. The hard working, determined streak of your personality will push you forward and you’ll do yourself proud come A Level results day. An A* will even sneak its way on to the results paper, you exceeded your expectations in one of your exams, bravo.

Right now you feel like your life is a big debacle with every challenge punctuating that thought. The sniggering laughs and sly comments about you coupled with the deterioration in your eyesight being the apex of your anxieties. But you’ll soon graduate from a place where these things hold you back.

The deterioration will evidently still be the catalyst to a lot of your challenges and upset but amongst the darkness of those moments, you’ll find energy to strive to reach the light. You’ll be in pursuit of things that make you happy, the things that fulfil the image you’ve marked out for yourself.

You feel awfully alone right now as you go through the motions with some friendships but don’t worry, those tear stained cheeks that punctuate each passing school day will soon become less frequent of an occurrence and bridges will start to form again.

You’ll come out the other side with friendships which have such tangible strength and those people will provide you with unwavering support which you will of course reciprocate.

But being you, the worry of burdening others with your quandaries will be one of the main reasons why you don’t reach out to these people. However, you will find another way of releasing all those worries.

You’ll write a lot more, hoping that engaging in this catharsis will purge all those unwanted feelings. The endless list of documents which hold these thoughts will eventually encourage the creation of your blog and as your words spread more widely, feedback from others will help you to ascertain the realisation that you’re not alone.

There will be relief in expressing your thoughts in this way and hearing back from others but it won’t erase every trace, so it’s important to strike the right balance between writing and talking.

Blogging will open your eyes to a world you had no idea existed before. Creating a foundation for new friendships and allowing you to work with some amazing people and charities.

You’ll keep it all quiet to begin with so you can find your feet with this new space but don’t be scared to share it with your family and friends. They’ll be so incredibly supportive when you do tell them so don’t hold back.

Your little corner of the internet will also lead to some amazing opportunities. I’ll leave most as a surprise, something for you to anticipate, but you may or may not be named as one of the most influential disabled people in the UK one year (I know, crazy right?) Oh and a few TV and radio interviews are on the horizon too, I had to slip that one in there.

Stop shaking your head. I know you don’t feel like you have the confidence to do any of these things right now but entering the world of work (yes, you’ll get yourself a job), doing some work experience, volunteering and continuing with your writing will change your perspective completely. They’ll help to build the confidence you’re currently lacking.

There will be moments of creative stasis when it comes to your blog of course, and writing will feel too fickle an option during these times but so much affection lies in the depths of your online space. So whilst it’s important to take a break during these moments, don’t ever lose faith in your ability and your words. They’ll soon come rushing back to you.

The challenges you’re enduring now and all those that are to come (I’m sorry, there’s more), they will be frustrating at the time but eventually, and you have to trust me on this one, they will shape you into a stronger person, well not physically because chronic fatigue has a little something to say about that, but you’ll become so much more determined, that’s a guarantee.

You’re going to feel a little lost sometimes, you’ll be thrown off track and life will present incessant attempts to drag you down but you will get back up again. You might not return to the path you were on before but there will be different ones to follow and they’ll lead to even better destinations.

Retinitis Pigmentosa will unfortunately greet you with the sobering reality of sight loss and all its foibles, loneliness being at the top of the list, but the feeling that becomes familiar, oh so familiar, won’t be your reality forever.

As your panic attacks become more frequent, you feel like your life is peppered with anxieties. I know it’s difficult to reach out but please try your very best. There are people out there who want to help. Bottling it up, ignoring it, it doesn’t help and eventually it means that everything will bubble to the top, finally exploding like a coke bottle which has been shaken too much.

Those bubbles of thoughts will only grow some more, encouraging another to form, adopting this unyielding resistance which means they stick to the sides. The longer you stay quiet, the stronger their grip will be.

So please stop discounting your mental health. That stream of anxiety is not to be ignored, please try your best to speak out, you need to stop the flow before it floods another corner of your mind.

I know that you feel like you’ll be submitting yourself to some kind of vulnerability by doing so but the penalty for bottling things up will be harsher. There’s no weakness in conveying how you feel.

Despite aspects of your future being shadowed by the challenges and the unforgiving realities of sight loss, there will be good times and you’ll have the opportunity to do amazing things, just you wait.

You never do succumb to following the crowd, you still don’t drink (although you are known to enjoy a glass of procecco or buck’s fizz every once in a while), you don’t follow the conventional route of university but that’s not to say that you’ll overlook achieving and being successful. Not doing the ‘norm’ won’t extinguish the opportunity to have fun, just do what’s right for you, whatever makes you happy.

You’ll be sat writing this in five years time, one week away from a very swanky award ceremony, having just replied to some blog comments which make you feel reassured. Someone has reached out saying your words have helped them and whilst you sometimes wonder why people enjoy the words you write enough to share, to comment and to come back to read some more, you’ll also feel content in the knowledge that what you’re doing, all that hard work, it’s paying off.

Even if you don’t always believe it, you have the ability to make a positive difference and when the blur of that fact becomes clearer to you, it’ll mean everything.

Please celebrate every success, those that come hand in hand with blogging/writing and those connected to your vision impairment, yes there are some of those too. Things like dusting off your cane for the first time in eight years, travelling on the train independently and reaching out to a counselling service in attempt to tackle some of those anxiety inducing roots. 

You should be proud.

There will of course be things that you can’t push away. Anxiety will still dominate some aspects of your life but you’ll step out of your comfort zone in a way you’ve never done before, in a way that you can’t imagine right now and the consequences of those extra steps will be so rewarding. 

Despite all those challenges, all those forks in the road and the things you crash into because you couldn’t see them, I’m happy to say that you’ve reached 21 in one piece.

So Els, keep looking forward. Do more of what makes you happy, have confidence in yourself and do what’s best for you because YOU matter, don’t ever let anyone tell you any differently.

When you reach 21, you’ll look back at your current chapter, wishing you could do something to help that lonely girl who’s thoughts were riddled with anxiety but after everything that’s happened in the last five years, you’ll feel so astoundingly proud of how far you’ve come.

All in all, whilst a sense of removed stability lingers as you figure out the next step, you’ll soon work things out and learn how to move on from the things that have held you back. 

Sometimes you’re scared that you’ll never escape some of your feelings, you sense an ominous click of the pause button when they become stronger and you feel laced with self-doubt but these things are only ever temporary.

With a reshuffle of thoughts and a tight grip on the positive ones along with the support of your family and friends, you’ll be able to pull through.

You’ll learn that sometimes the biggest challenge can be transformed into something with purpose. That purpose will turn into strength, your strength. Whilst you still come face to face with dilemmas and you find yourself in another muddle, you’ll find things that will guide you through, even when you least expect it.

So hold on tight, it’s going to be a bumpy road but there will be smooth and narrow stretches ahead, always focus on those moments.

Stay strong and stay determined.

You’re going to be okay, I promise.

Love from,

You, aged 21 and two months x