A letter to my bullies

Hello everyone and welcome back to My Blurred World.

I hope you’re all doing really well.

Today’s post is an open letter to those who bullied me when I was younger. This is not a subject I’ve talked a lot about on my blog or in my life offline when thinking about it but I think that it’s an important subject to raise awareness of.

I’m quite nervous to publish this post as I guess is expected as it’s quite personal and I know that there’s a small possibility that some of those who bullied me might see this post but if they do I think it’s important for them to realise what effect they’re actions had on me.

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So here goes :

Dear bullies,

I never thought I’d write you a letter, I mean why would I want to go over every little detail of how you made me feel during my school years? Well I think I now have the answer, its important to me that you understand how you made me feel, how isolated I felt and how extremely humiliating it was to hear everyone laughing and spreading rumours about me behind my back.

I remember that laughter.

I felt like the world was telling me that I didn’t belong, and I never would.

Why? Why pick on me? Why pick on anyone? Was it because I was shy? Because I’m disabled? Was I different to everyone else in your eyes?

I guess these are all questions I’ll never receive the answer to but honestly it doesn’t matter to me anymore but it did once and that is what’s painful.

I was once hung up on why everyone seemed to see me in a different light, I used to tear myself apart because I thought everyone was laughing at me for the way I looked.
I used to cry myself to sleep because I hated the thought of going to school the next day (not all the time because I can’t deny that some aspects of school were good). But I used to hate the thought of stepping out of the taxi and instantly feel trapped in a surrounding I didn’t feel happy in, in a building full of people who just didn’t seem to understand, walking into a classroom and instantly feeling isolated from everyone else. Almost feeling ashamed of who I was, trust me that’s not a nice feeling.

I often wanted the ground to swallow me up because I could hear your laughter and your whispers as I walked through the corridor. That’s why I always walked with my head down, I couldn’t bare to look up, I thought I would be less visible to others with my head down (I know this sounds irrational but it’s the truth).

Being called ‘ugly’ in primary school because of the fact that I wore ‘different’ sunglasses to everyone else because there were none that looked ‘normal’ for me as a VI girl back then was the most  disheartening feeling. Hearing everybody laugh when I tripped over a chair which I didn’t see, knowing that everybody preferred to laugh than check if I was ok, do you know how heart wrenching that was? No, you don’t because you were the ones laughing, you were the ones who didn’t understand, the ones who thought I didn’t deserve to be treated like all the other kids, I would love to know why this was.

I expected things to get better in high school, goes to show that some things never live up to their expectations. I thought I’d found a good friendship group, someone who actually cared for once, how wrong was I? I always wondered why there was hardly ever a chair for me when I would go to my seat in class, but then when I saw members of my so-called friendship group take my chair multiple times, it all fell into place. I know you didn’t like the fact that I was shy, I know you didn’t like the fact that my TA’s had to take me to the canteen at lunchtime because my vision had deteriorated but was there any need for everything you did to me? Pushing me in the corridors, complaining when I went to sit somewhere on my own at lunch, not believing me when I’d say I couldn’t see you. You could have come up to me and guided me to where the rest of the group were sitting instead of watching me walk past obviously. I couldn’t see you and there was nothing I could do about that.

I thought things would improve at sixth form but I was wrong yet again, I often define those years as the worst couple of years of my life so far, that’s how much I hated it. I thought you would have all grown up by then but I guess that wasn’t possible. Still hearing the whispers and the laughter was such a cruel feeling, being talked to as if I was a child or as if I couldn’t hear you or that I was less of a person than you. Remember that isn’t true, I might be visually impaired but I’m still human, I have feelings, most of which were torn to shreds during my time at school.

I felt like the entirety of the students in my year were against me, probably not the case but I never felt included in anything, nothing at all. Maybe that was partly my fault for not being as confident as everyone was expected to be but that’s never been easy for me.

But I guess I have to thank you, the ones who bullied, whispered and laughed at me behind my back and I bet you’re asking why, well the reality is that you’ve made me stronger and I have to be thankful for that. You’ve made me realise that there is no point in dwelling over what other people think, I’m not shy really and maybe you couldn’t see that but I know it, always have and I feel like I can express it more now than I ever did. You all made me feel confined, small and totally isolated and different to everyone else. I know I’m not now.

Leaving school was a turning point for me, I no longer felt controlled by the thought of what other’s opinions of me were. I knew I didn’t have to spend another day with all of you who triggered my self consciousness, my fear and my anxiety. I felt free and have done ever since then.

So there you go, a list of everything you put me through, an overview of the feelings I felt and how free I now feel since leaving that part of my life behind.

I bet you’d be surprised with the person I am now compared to back then. People always say that it’s important to forgive and forget, now I know I probably won’t be able to forgive but I’m giong to try my very  best to forget. This story is now my past and I’m hoping I won’t have to live it again.

Thank you for making me stronger.

Regards,

Elin.

That concludes my post for today, I’d like to apologise for the length of it but thank you if you managed to read it all.

I think we’ve all experienced some form of bullying within our lives but never let it define you. Some people say that bullies often have problems of their own and whilst that might be true it doesn’t excuse any form of bullying, whether it be physical, verbal or cyber, none of it is right. Some people might not even realise that they’re hurting someone, I don’t think many of the people who treated me badly realised how bad they made me feel, they thought I was oblivious to it all, they didn’t realise that I was aware of everything that they did behind my back.

Everybody has a story, the ones who’ve bullied and the ones who haven’t. As I said the ones who have bullied might have reasons for it, they might have worries, issues and insecurities that we don’t realise, we’re all human and we should all be treated equally. Remember to always treat others the way you want to be treated.

It’s easier said than done but never let the bullies get you down. Always rise above it. It took me a while to do so but I’ve never looked back since.

Thank you for sticking with me and taking the time to read this post, I really do appreciate it.

Elin x

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31 Comments

  1. February 22, 2017 / 8:48 pm

    I’m glad you were strong enough to write this! It’s so sad that you were made to feel like that! It feels awful in the moment but after adulthood we can see how those bullies were nothing! And you are wonderful, and beautiful! 😘x

    • February 22, 2017 / 10:00 pm

      This is such a lovely thing to hear, thank you so much! 💗

  2. February 22, 2017 / 9:02 pm

    And these feelings of yours have to come out,too…it’s only fair.

    • February 22, 2017 / 10:01 pm

      I think it’s always good to write these feelings down, it’s a good way of conquering them.

  3. February 22, 2017 / 9:07 pm

    Wow I can relate to this letter- the only difference is it came from home- We have to be better than them, always! :)Teresa

    • February 22, 2017 / 10:03 pm

      Any form of bullying is so horrible but I think it’s so important for us to remember that we are not alone. We can conquer it! Thank you for reading 🙂

  4. February 22, 2017 / 9:31 pm

    Els I can’t explain how proud I am of you, you’ve come so far! You’ve not let these bullies drag you down or define you and you should be proud of yourself! You’ve achieved so much! It’s an incredible and very relatable post. Keep being you xxx

    • February 22, 2017 / 10:05 pm

      I am so grateful to you for always being there for me, you’re amazing. Thank you so much Hols xxx

  5. February 23, 2017 / 9:38 pm

    Such an inspirational piece and you should be super proud you were able to publish this! It’s nice to get things off your chest x

    • February 23, 2017 / 9:41 pm

      Thank you so much, that means a lot. Yes it definitely is. Thank you for reading x

  6. February 24, 2017 / 5:29 pm

    You are so strong to write this! Thank you for sharing❤

    • February 24, 2017 / 7:25 pm

      Thank you so much and thank you for reading as always lovely <3

  7. February 25, 2017 / 3:45 pm

    You’re so brave for posting this, this is something I would ideally like to post but I’m not sure if I could – so I really admire you for that. You’re really strong, well done! You’ve definitely just gained a follower x

    • February 25, 2017 / 6:34 pm

      Aw thank you so much! It’s definitely a hard topic to talk about and something I’ve wanted to post for a while. It definitely helps to let it all out though!x

      • February 25, 2017 / 11:21 pm

        That’s ok 🙂 Yeah, ideally I’d like to post about it in the future, well done you though!x

        • February 25, 2017 / 11:31 pm

          Write about it when you feel ready to do so, don’t rush it. When the time is right, you’ll know it. Thank you lovely xx

  8. April 23, 2017 / 7:26 pm

    Hi, Elin,
    First I have to say, that was very brave to confront your bullies on a public platform. It was inspiring to read. You’re right, too, that there are bullies who 1) don’t realize the pain their causing or that what they’re doing is wrong and 2) they may have something in their own lives happening to them that they can’t talk about, so they take their anger out on someone else. Someone they may deem smaller than they are.
    You proved, with your post, that you are braver, stronger and wiser from what happened to you. I know what it’s like to be bullied. First, as a student in school. I was miserable. I had friends but I also had friends who were just pretending to be. I have also had a hearing problem my whole life and I was fitted at age 8, for a hearing aid. Imagine the horrifying humiliation, walking around school with this clunky thing hanging from my ear in plain sight. I know you can. I, however, was horribly shy. Not so much now but that wasn’t until between four and five years ago when I met my best friend. I felt ugly and kept my head down at work. I was 38 at the time and I had 4 – 6 bullies who I worked with. One who was older and the rest were much younger than me. I had terrible anxiety because of it and it was so bad right before going to work. I kept my head down all the time.
    After I met my best friend, I started to see myself differently. When I told her I felt ugly, she couldn’t believe it. I don’t feel that way anymore but I do still live with anxiety.
    My teenage daughter also dealt with bullies, and kids are so much meaner now than they used to be, it seems. She developed anxiety from it but she’s 19 now and has come out of it, thanks to her loving boyfriend. Sometimes it does help to have someone close to us to help us overcome the daunting experiences we may go through.
    You said that you can’t forgive but you hope to forget. I get it, and you have to feel what you feel. However, forgiveness can free you. Just because you forgive someone for something they did wrong to you doesn’t mean you’re letting them off the hook. You’re freeing yourself from the heavy weight of the past. It still carries weight with you so it’s most important to forgive yourself, not to say that you’ve done anything wrong; forgiving yourself, ultimately, will help you to release the burden of resentment you may still be holding onto.
    With all of that said, you go girl! You have done a very brave thing and, most importantly, you’re shining a light on bullying and bringing awareness to it. People need to know the extensive damage bullying can cause. Some people never recover. Some people are terrified to talk about it. And there are those who don’t seem to understand that there is real danger in bullying. If we can shed more light on the repercussions of bullying then we can start to, hopefully, do something about it.
    For my daughter, it went as far as these kids coming to my home, hoping to lure her outside so they could “beat her up” – 5 or 6 against 1. It was all because of a boy. He liked my daughter and not the girl who liked him.
    I ended up with rocks thrown through my windows, repeatedly. When I called the police, they treated my daughter and me like we “had to have done something to cause it”. The cop threatened to take my daughter and me to jail if she got another call regarding this matter. At this time, I didn’t know who was throwing rocks through my windows. When I found out, I filed a report with the same cop who threatened to take us to jail. After giving my statement, she said, “We’ll investigate but just to let you know, we have real crimes to deal with like rape and murders”. My daughter went to school in tears every day because kids were telling her she should go home and kill herself. I immediately pulled her out of school. No education is worth that. We need to know we can trust our schools and law enforcement officials. Everyone, kids and adults need to know that the world can be a safe place; that they CAN be heard – that they ARE heard.
    Sorry for the rant, but thank you for giving a voice to this. Maybe, if enough of us raise our voices, something will be done.<3

    Sincerely,
    Janelle

    • April 23, 2017 / 7:40 pm

      Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing you and your daughter’s story with me. I can’t begin to imagine the pain you both went through and hearing the police officer say something like that must have been so painful. Bullying should be taken more seriously within society, it’s still such a battle for so many people and stories like yours and others need to be heard of in order to tackle the problem. I completely agree that it takes someone close to you to make you feel safe again. It’s important to surround yourself with people who care about you and who will do everything they can to help you, they’re the most important people. Again, thank you for sharing your story and for taking the time to comment. I hope both you and your daughter are doing ok now <3

  9. April 23, 2017 / 7:30 pm

    As a parent, I did everything I could to help my daughter see she was better than these kids made her feel but, sometimes, we need someone not so close to the situation to see outside of it.

  10. April 28, 2017 / 2:14 pm

    You are excellent! You have the courage of your convictions and you stand up for what is right. With people like you in the world the world WILL become a better place – and it will be thanks to you and not the haters who have nothing better to do than pick on beautiful souls.

  11. April 29, 2017 / 8:16 am

    Your post is brilliant and relatable. I recently wrote a similar post here of my own experience of which i had never told anyone. Bullying damages it victims long term. http://wp.me/p5IK2v-1Z

  12. May 2, 2017 / 1:42 pm

    Hi – The world needs more role models like you, people who are stronger than the weak people who bully…
    On my blog TanyaTale.wordpress.com I am going to do a piece on bullying and was wondering if you would contribute – how would you define bullying 😊

    • May 2, 2017 / 9:13 pm

      Thank you so much, that means a lot to me. I love that idea. It’s so important that more people are aware of bullying and its affects on other people, not just the ones being bullied but also other people in their lives, family, friends etc. Bullying is a horrible ordeal for so many people and more awareness definitely needs to be raised surrounding it 🙂

  13. May 8, 2017 / 10:42 am

    So strong to write this! I’ve never experienced bullying but I have been targeted… by my teachers and I had the most stressful, awful time! Would love some feedback on my post ‘look at me now’ it’s all about how it affected my life. 🙂https://malisehoney.wordpress.com/2017/05/04/look-at-me-now/

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