Hello everyone and welcome back to My Blurred World.
I hope you’re all doing really well.
Today’s post is an open letter to those who bullied me when I was younger. This is not a subject I’ve talked a lot about on my blog or in my life offline but I think that it’s an important subject to raise awareness of.
I’m quite nervous to publish this post as I guess is expected as it’s quite personal and I know that there’s a small possibility that some of those who bullied me might see this post but if they do I think it’s important for them to realise what affect they’re actions had on me.
So here goes :
I never thought I’d write you a letter, I mean why would I want to go over every little detail of how you made me feel during my school years? Well I think I now have the answer, its important to me that you understand how you made me feel, how isolated I felt and how extremely humiliating it was to hear everyone laughing and spreading rumours about me behind my back.
I remember that laughter.
I felt like the world was telling me that I didn’t belong, and I never would.
Why? Why pick on me? Why pick on anyone? Was it because I was shy? Because I’m disabled? Was I different to everyone else in your eyes?
I guess these are all questions I’ll never receive the answer to but honestly it doesn’t matter to me anymore but it did once and that is what’s painful.
I was once hung up on why everyone seemed to see me in a different light, I used to tear myself apart because I thought everyone was laughing at me for the way I looked.
I used to cry myself to sleep because I hated the thought of going to school the next day (not all the time because I can’t deny that some aspects of school were good). But I used to hate the thought of stepping out of the taxi and instantly feel trapped in a surrounding I didn’t feel happy in, in a building full of people who just didn’t seem to understand, walking into a classroom and instantly feeling isolated from everyone else. Almost feeling ashamed of who I was, trust me that’s not a nice feeling.
I often wanted the ground to swallow me up because I could hear your laughter and your whispers as I walked through the corridor. That’s why I always walked with my head down, I couldn’t bare to look up, I thought I would be less visible to others with my head down (I know this sounds irrational but it’s the truth).
Being called ‘ugly’ in primary school because of the fact that I wore ‘different’ sunglasses to everyone else because there were none that looked ‘normal’ for me as a visually impaired girl back then was the most disheartening feeling. Hearing everybody laugh when I tripped over a chair which I didn’t see, knowing that everybody preferred to laugh than check if I was ok, do you know how heart wrenching that was? No, you don’t because you were the ones laughing, you were the ones who didn’t understand, the ones who thought I didn’t deserve to be treated like all the other kids, I would love to know why this was.
I expected things to get better in high school, goes to show that some things never live up to their expectations. I thought I’d found a good friendship group, someone who actually cared for once, how wrong was I? I always wondered why there was hardly ever a chair for me when I would go to my seat in class, but then when I saw members of my so-called friendship group take my chair multiple times, it all fell into place. I know you didn’t like the fact that I was shy, I know you didn’t like the fact that my TA’s had to take me to the canteen at lunchtime because my vision had deteriorated but was there any need for everything you did to me? Pushing me in the corridors, complaining when I went to sit somewhere on my own at lunch, not believing me when I’d say I couldn’t see you. You could have come up to me and guided me to where the rest of the group were sitting instead of watching me walk past obviously. I couldn’t see you and there was nothing I could do about that.
I thought things would improve at sixth form but I was wrong yet again, I often define those years as the worst couple of years of my life so far, that’s how much I hated it. I thought you would have all grown up by then but I guess that wasn’t possible. Still hearing the whispers and the laughter was such a cruel feeling, being talked to as if I was a child or as if I couldn’t hear you or that I was less of a person than you. Remember that isn’t true, I might be visually impaired but I’m still human, I have feelings, most of which were torn to shreds during my time at school.
I felt like the entirety of the students in my year were against me, probably not the case but I never felt included in anything, nothing at all. Maybe that was partly my fault for not being as confident as everyone was expected to be but that’s never been easy for me.
But I guess I have to thank you, the ones who bullied, whispered and laughed at me behind my back and I bet you’re asking why. Well the reality is that you’ve made me stronger and I have to be thankful for that. You’ve made me realise that there is no point in dwelling over what other people think, I’m not shy really and maybe you couldn’t see that but I know it, always have and I feel like I can express it more now than I ever did. You all made me feel confined, small and totally isolated and different to everyone else. I know I’m not now.
Leaving school was a turning point for me, I no longer felt controlled by the thought of what other’s opinions of me were. I knew I didn’t have to spend another day with all of you who triggered my self consciousness, my fear and my anxiety. I felt free and have done ever since then.
So there you go, a list of everything you put me through, an overview of the feelings I felt and how free I now feel since leaving that part of my life behind.
I bet you’d be surprised with the person I am now compared to back then. People always say that it’s important to forgive and forget, trust me, I’m doing my very best to do that. I don’t hold a grudge against you, I don’t hate you, I’m actually grateful to you for making me a stronger person–. This story is now my past and I’m hoping I won’t have to live it again.
Thank you for making me stronger.
That concludes my post for today, I’d like to apologise for the length of it but thank you if you managed to read it all.
I think we’ve all experienced some form of bullying within our lives but never let it define you. Some people say that bullies often have problems of their own and whilst that might be true it doesn’t excuse any form of bullying, whether it be physical, verbal or cyber, none of it is right. Some people might not even realise that they’re hurting someone, I don’t think many of the people who treated me badly realised how bad they made me feel, they thought I was oblivious to it all, they didn’t realise that I was aware of everything that they did behind my back.
Everybody has a story, the ones who’ve bullied and the ones who haven’t. As I said the ones who have bullied might have reasons for it, they might have worries, issues and insecurities that we don’t realise, we’re all human and we should all be treated equally. Remember to always treat others the way you want to be treated.
It’s easier said than done but never let the bullies get you down. Always rise above it. It took me a while to do so but I’ve never looked back since.
Thank you for sticking with me and taking the time to read this post, I really do appreciate it.